Saturday, February 22, 2014

Tuuka Rask Thoughts

As I was watching Finland's men's hockey team slowly strangle a sad and dejected United States team in the Olympic bronze medal game, I texted a Bruins fan I know saying "now you see how I feel, Tuuka Rask was put on earth to deny me my hopes and dreams."  After a little bit of thought, I realized that Rask is probably more haunting to, say, Penguins (and team USA) head coach Dan Bylsma, who has found most of his aspirations in 2013-14 thwarted by said demonic Finnish Ray Liotta look-alike.

A quick rundown of other ways in which evil phantasm Tuuka Rask tortures Danny Bylsma:

-Bylsma opens fridge to make sandwich, Rask is inside the fridge, repeatedly poke checks the cheese away so that it seems perpetually within reach, but never actually close enough.

-Rask jumps out and slaps things out of Bylsma's hands, sometimes in the shower, sometimes in the grocery store. No hot drink is safe.

-Tuuka Rask walks into highway traffic, causing a pileup.  Bylsma is stuck in a jam for two hours as the Parkway is shut down. He begins to suffer from unexpected instestinal distress.

-Rask repeatedly changes the password on Bylsma's iPad Air.

-Tuuka Rask constantly pulling the chair from under Danny Bylsma as coach tries to sit.  Bylsma now stands up during all his waking hours, out of fear.  Coach now has terrible corns.

-Two-hand slashes to Bylsma's friends and loved ones.

-Deleting all of Coach's music collection, replacing it with one, 10-hour mp3 of Sandstorm.